#18 False imperatives
I was upset that I couldn’t find a book from my 2014 Marriage & Family course (about disillusionment).
I’d recently seen a popularized misconceptions that others are supposed to be responsible for your feelings.
I remember this being something that was actually problematic in the M&F context.
That misconception going viral doesn’t make it any more correct than a mob cheering on an idiot.
I took to Google and Bing and was sorely disappointed. Chat GPT helped me generate the most satisfying resolution I could get. I just want to go to bed (lolz).
I’m not going to blog-rant about how often people are using pop-psyc terms problematically & inaccurately (go to Twitter for that). If you want to lazily adopt pseudoscience and impose it onto culture, we’ll all pay. Your choice.
Here is what Chat GPT shared with me. Maybe this can at least serve as some food-for-thought.
False Imperatives in Marriage (from Open AI’s Chat GPT 3.5)
"Happily Ever After" Myth: This false imperative suggests that a successful marriage should always be characterized by constant happiness and romantic bliss. In reality, all marriages face challenges and ups and downs, and it's normal to experience periods of conflict and stress.
Gender Roles: Traditional gender roles that dictate specific roles and expectations for husbands and wives can be a false imperative. These roles often limit individual expression and hinder personal and professional growth for both partners.
Pressure to Have Children: There can be a societal pressure to have children, assuming that parenthood is the ultimate purpose of marriage. Not all couples desire or are suited for parenthood, and this expectation can lead to distress and unhappiness if not met.
Financial Success: Some people believe that marriage should be a path to financial stability and success. This expectation can lead to stress and disappointment when financial difficulties arise, as they often do in life.
Forever-unchanging Love: The idea that love in a marriage should always stay the same as it was during the honeymoon phase is another false imperative. Love naturally evolves and deepens over time, but the expectation of unchanging passion can create unrealistic pressure.
Monogamy as the Only Option: Society often places a strong emphasis on monogamous marriages as the only valid form of commitment. However, consensual non-monogamous relationships can be fulfilling for some couples, and the expectation of strict monogamy can be a false imperative that leads to conflict and unhappiness.
Marriage as a Lifelong Commitment: While marriage can be a lifelong commitment, the belief that it must be so at all costs can create a false imperative. Some marriages may naturally evolve or come to an end for various reasons, and this does not necessarily signify failure.
Sacrificing Individual Goals: The idea that individuals must sacrifice their personal goals and ambitions for the sake of the marriage is a false imperative. A healthy marriage should support the individual growth and happiness of both partners.
Matching Societal Norms: Pressure to conform to societal norms, such as marrying within one's own race, religion, or social class, can be a false imperative. Love and compatibility should be the primary factors in choosing a partner, rather than external expectations.
Materialism and Extravagance: Some people believe that a successful marriage requires a lavish wedding, a big house, or expensive gifts. These materialistic expectations can lead to financial strain and dissatisfaction, as the focus shifts away from the emotional aspects of the relationship.
Conflict-Free Marriage: The belief that a successful marriage should be devoid of conflict or disagreements is a false imperative. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and it can be a healthy way to address issues and grow together.
Marriage as a Cure-All: Expecting that marriage will solve all of life's problems or provide complete happiness can be a false imperative. While marriage can bring joy and companionship, it cannot address all personal or emotional needs.
Fulfillment through Your Spouse: Relying solely on your spouse for emotional fulfillment and happiness is a false imperative. It's important for individuals to maintain their own interests, friendships, and personal growth outside of the marriage.
Keeping Relationship Issues Private: The belief that all relationship problems should remain private can be a false imperative. Sometimes seeking advice or counseling can be beneficial in resolving issues and strengthening the marriage.
Physical Attraction Alone: Expecting that physical attraction will sustain a marriage without emotional and intellectual compatibility is a false imperative. A strong, lasting marriage often requires more than just physical chemistry.
In-Laws and Extended Family: The idea that couples must prioritize their respective families over their spouse can be a false imperative. While family relationships are important, a marriage should be a partnership where the couple's needs and goals are central.
Timeline for Milestones: Believing that there is a specific timeline for milestones in marriage, such as having children, buying a house, or achieving career success, can create unnecessary stress. Every couple's journey is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all timeline.
One-Size-Fits-All Marriage Advice: Assuming that all marriage advice or strategies apply universally is a false imperative. What works for one couple may not work for another, as every relationship is different.
Blissful Independence: Expecting that spouses should always maintain complete independence and not rely on each other can be a false imperative. Interdependence and mutual support are vital aspects of a healthy marriage.
Comparing to Idealized Couples: Comparing your marriage to idealized portrayals of other couples, whether in media or social circles, can create unrealistic expectations and lead to dissatisfaction. It's important to focus on your own unique relationship.
Always Agreeing: The false imperative that couples should always agree on everything can stifle individual expression and lead to the suppression of differing opinions and needs.
Emotional Perfection: Believing that you or your spouse should always be emotionally stable and never experience negative emotions is a false imperative. Emotions are complex, and it's normal to have ups and downs.
Marriage as a Cure for Loneliness: The idea that marriage is the solution to loneliness can lead to entering into a marriage for the wrong reasons. Healthy relationships require a strong foundation of compatibility and shared values.
Ignoring Red Flags: The false imperative to overlook red flags or warning signs in a relationship can lead to marrying someone who may not be a suitable long-term partner.
Marriage as a Status Symbol: Viewing marriage primarily as a status symbol or a way to gain social approval can lead to marrying for appearances rather than genuine connection and love.
Conflict Avoidance: Believing that conflicts should always be avoided at all costs can result in suppressed issues and unaddressed concerns that may harm the marriage in the long run.
Equating Love with Material Gifts: Associating love solely with the exchange of material gifts or extravagant gestures can create unrealistic expectations and overlook the importance of emotional connection.
One-Size-Fits-All Solutions: Assuming that there is a single solution to every marital problem is a false imperative. Successful marriages often require adaptability and tailor-made solutions.
Marriage as a Destination: Treating marriage as the ultimate destination rather than an ongoing journey of growth and development can lead to complacency in the relationship.
Comparing to Past Relationships: Comparing a current marriage to past relationships can be a false imperative. Every relationship is unique, and dwelling on past experiences can hinder progress and emotional intimacy.
Expecting a Spouse to Complete You: The false imperative that your spouse should be your source of happiness, validation, and fulfillment, rather than recognizing that individuals should find their own contentment and growth.
Perfect Communication: Believing that perfect communication in marriage means never experiencing misunderstandings, disagreements, or conflicts. In reality, effective communication involves navigating and resolving these challenges together.
Constant Togetherness: The idea that spouses should spend all their time together can be a false imperative. Healthy relationships also require individual space and autonomy.
Marriage as a Solution to Personal Problems: Assuming that getting married will solve personal issues, such as low self-esteem or insecurity, without addressing these issues beforehand can create unrealistic expectations.
Sexual Compatibility as the Sole Foundation: Relying solely on sexual compatibility as the foundation of a marriage can neglect other crucial aspects of a fulfilling partnership, such as emotional intimacy and shared values.
The "Soulmate" Myth: The belief that there's only one perfect soulmate for each person can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment if a marriage encounters challenges.
Ignoring Self-Care: Neglecting self-care and individual well-being for the sake of the marriage can lead to burnout and diminished satisfaction in the relationship.
Ignoring Boundaries: Disregarding personal boundaries and privacy within a marriage can hinder personal growth and create feelings of invasion or suffocation.
Never Changing or Evolving: The false imperative that individuals and the marriage itself should never change or evolve over time. People grow, and so do relationships.
Ignoring Mental Health: Neglecting to address mental health concerns or seeking therapy when necessary can harm the well-being of both individuals and the marriage.
One-Size-Fits-All Conflict Resolution: Believing that there's a single, universal method for resolving conflicts in marriage, disregarding the uniqueness of each relationship's dynamics.
Emulating Celebrity Marriages: Attempting to model your marriage after the perceived idealism of celebrity relationships, which are often portrayed through a filtered and unrealistic lens.
Maintaining a United Front Always: The expectation that couples should always present a united front to the outside world, even when they have differences or conflicts in private.
Marriage as a Measure of Success: Associating marital status with personal success, leading to feelings of failure or inadequacy if one is not married or in a relationship.
Avoiding External Help at All Costs: Refusing to seek external help or therapy when facing significant challenges in the belief that a strong marriage should overcome all obstacles on its own.
Ignoring Individual Friendships: Neglecting friendships and social connections outside of the marriage, which can be essential for personal growth and support.
Matching Relationship Timelines: Comparing your relationship's timeline to those of friends or peers and feeling pressured to reach certain milestones at the same time.
Expecting Spontaneous Romantic Gestures: The belief that romantic gestures should always be spontaneous and frequent, leading to disappointment when they become less frequent over time.
Marriage as a Source of Financial Security: Assuming that getting married will automatically lead to financial stability or that one should primarily seek a spouse for financial security.
Ignoring Cultural Differences: Disregarding or dismissing cultural differences between partners, which can be a source of misunderstanding and conflict.
Equality Means Sameness: Confusing equality in marriage with the idea that both partners must be the same in every way, rather than recognizing and appreciating their individual strengths and differences.
Marriage as a Sacrifice: Believing that marriage should be a series of sacrifices for one's partner rather than a balanced partnership built on mutual support.
Overemphasizing External Appearance: Placing too much importance on physical appearance within the marriage, which can overshadow deeper emotional and intellectual connections.
Ignoring Emotional Well-Being: Neglecting the emotional well-being of each partner by minimizing or dismissing their feelings and concerns.
Assuming Marriage Will Change a Partner: Expecting that marriage will fundamentally change a partner's habits, personality, or beliefs, rather than accepting them as they are.
Fulfilling Traditional Roles: Feeling compelled to conform to traditional gender roles within marriage, even when they don't align with each partner's preferences or strengths.
Marriage as a Fix for Past Traumas: Believing that getting married will automatically heal past emotional wounds or traumas without addressing them directly.
Ignoring Intimate Connection: Neglecting the importance of emotional and intimate connection within the marriage in favor of other priorities.
Comparing to Fictional Relationships: Measuring your marriage against fictional relationships portrayed in books, movies, or TV shows, which often exaggerate idealized dynamics.
Marriage as a Cure for Loneliness: The expectation that marriage will automatically alleviate feelings of loneliness, which can lead to disappointment if the underlying causes of loneliness are not addressed.
How do we feel about this list?
